Terror Alert: ‘Fudgems’ the Walking Block of Shit.

Waaaay back in the 80’s, Domino’s Pizza warned America about the Noid, perhaps the greatest pizza-related terrorist ever. The Noid was a bunny-eared goblin who was single-handedly responsible for ruining all pizza in America… Except, of course, for Domino’s. Why not Domino’s? Well, because Domino’s delivered it’s pizza in a laser-proof box. Also, it seems that since Domino’s delivered more pizzas than anyone else, it meant that they delivered pizzas better. How Domino’s reached the direct correlation between quantity and quality has baffled statisticians for two decades. The noid was eventually apprehended in the 90’s, but not before ruining thousands of pizzas and spawning a terrible NES game.

fudgemsToday, Domino’s has again raised the terror alert- this time from red to brown. Domino’s warns of an iminantly more vile threat to pizza lovers everywhere- a walking block of shit, appropriately named Fudgems. From what I have gleaned from Domino’s public service announcements, the crap cube stalks pizza delivery men, then jumps out of the bushes and smears escrement on people when they answer the door. “Instead of mildly disgusting Domino’s pizza, that poor family is getting a facefull of last night’s totally disgusting meatloaf! Only this time the meatloaf is POO! POOLOAF!” exlaimed angry victim Mitchell T. Haugerud of Saint Paul. “Why can’t we stop this stooley terror?”

Despite leaving a trail of feces everywhere it goes, Fudgems is unnaturally eluesive, as depicted in Domino’s latest PSA in which a group of angry villagers chase Fudgems down a hill. Fudgems is still at large. When asked for comment, South Park resident Hankey the Christmas Poo stated “This is total copywrite infringment! Getting shit everywhere is my schtick! If I get my mitts on his equi-lateral ass, I will flush his…ass!”

To this day, Fudgems is still at large. If you encounter Fudgems, try to locate it’s face and then punch it. Otherwise, use nunchucks or a bo-staff to bat off it’s arms and legs and then taunt it as you wait for the authorities to arrive. If you or someone you know has been “fudged,” please seek professional help immediately. **Do not eat the “fudge!” It is not “fudge” at all, it is poo!!**

And remember, the best defense is to never, ever, order Domino’s pizza. If you do, you should not be surprised when you end up eating shit.

  11 comments for “Terror Alert: ‘Fudgems’ the Walking Block of Shit.

  1. October 4, 2006 at 12:49 pm

    So long has Dominos been selling poop in a flat cardboard box, shaped like Pizza, that it’s almost a breath of fresh air that they’re actually marketing it as it is, stinky shit.

    The trick for Dominos after this, stop selling shit.

    The first step is realizing that you have a problem.

  2. Erica
    October 4, 2006 at 12:52 pm

    Will delivery people and families looking for delicious pizza goodness ever be safe? It’s a sad sad world we live in folks.

    I spotted a fudgem agent at the Twin Cities 5k. There was a man with DOZENS of mini fudgems on a plate giving them to runners after they crossed the finish line. Families, children, runners, old people… all taking a dose of the fudgems. For the sake of science, I’ll admit I attempted to detain one myself. It didn’t smell like poo, maybe it was a decoy. But it was warm and gooey on the inside. Maybe it was poo and my sense of taste was in question because I had just run for 30 minutes. Who knows.

    So what I’m saying is I might be infected.

  3. October 5, 2006 at 8:42 pm

    Why is the pizza club so secret, it’s not like there’s a damn website or anything!

  4. October 6, 2006 at 9:10 am

    For one, it’s not a secret, everyone knows where it is, and we clearly display the dates and times of the meetings, on this exact website!

    Also, keep it on topic, this discussion is about Corporate America selling poop nuggets to unsuspecting consumers, not your own shortcomings with being unable to attend Pizza Club meetings.

  5. Adro
    October 6, 2006 at 9:44 am

    TROLL ALERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111111one

  6. Randi
    October 12, 2006 at 7:12 am

    Who’s Dingo?

  7. Randi
    October 12, 2006 at 7:22 am

    I have several important questions:
    Who is Dingo?
    When the F is the next pizza club meeting?
    and, more appropriate to the above Fudgems alert:
    Who does Number Two work for?

  8. Randi
    October 12, 2006 at 7:26 am

    OK, this is my 3rd attempt to post this. (Why the F is this infernal maching and blog such a hater?)
    I have three important questions:
    1. Who is Dingo?
    2. When is the next pizza club meeting?
    and, more appropriate to the above Fudgems alert
    3. Who does Number Two work for?

  9. Randi
    October 12, 2006 at 7:28 am

    I’m an idiot. Gosh!

  10. Erica
    October 12, 2006 at 8:07 am

    i still love you randi. 🙂

  11. Randi
    October 16, 2006 at 1:47 pm

    But I still don’t know who Dingo is.

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