Waaaay back in the 80’s, Domino’s Pizza warned America about the Noid, perhaps the greatest pizza-related terrorist ever. The Noid was a bunny-eared goblin who was single-handedly responsible for ruining all pizza in America… Except, of course, for Domino’s. Why not Domino’s? Well, because Domino’s delivered it’s pizza in a laser-proof box. Also, it seems that since Domino’s delivered more pizzas than anyone else, it meant that they delivered pizzas better. How Domino’s reached the direct correlation between quantity and quality has baffled statisticians for two decades. The noid was eventually apprehended in the 90’s, but not before ruining thousands of pizzas and spawning a terrible NES game.
Today, Domino’s has again raised the terror alert- this time from red to brown. Domino’s warns of an iminantly more vile threat to pizza lovers everywhere- a walking block of shit, appropriately named Fudgems. From what I have gleaned from Domino’s public service announcements, the crap cube stalks pizza delivery men, then jumps out of the bushes and smears escrement on people when they answer the door. “Instead of mildly disgusting Domino’s pizza, that poor family is getting a facefull of last night’s totally disgusting meatloaf! Only this time the meatloaf is POO! POOLOAF!” exlaimed angry victim Mitchell T. Haugerud of Saint Paul. “Why can’t we stop this stooley terror?”
Despite leaving a trail of feces everywhere it goes, Fudgems is unnaturally eluesive, as depicted in Domino’s latest PSA in which a group of angry villagers chase Fudgems down a hill. Fudgems is still at large. When asked for comment, South Park resident Hankey the Christmas Poo stated “This is total copywrite infringment! Getting shit everywhere is my schtick! If I get my mitts on his equi-lateral ass, I will flush his…ass!”
To this day, Fudgems is still at large. If you encounter Fudgems, try to locate it’s face and then punch it. Otherwise, use nunchucks or a bo-staff to bat off it’s arms and legs and then taunt it as you wait for the authorities to arrive. If you or someone you know has been “fudged,” please seek professional help immediately. **Do not eat the “fudge!” It is not “fudge” at all, it is poo!!**
And remember, the best defense is to never, ever, order Domino’s pizza. If you do, you should not be surprised when you end up eating shit.